Guillermo Del Toro To Direct Pinocchio, Revive Childhood Nightmares

I do what I want!

Apparently the Mexican director plans to direct all of my favorite books—literally, all of them. First there was the announcement that he was going to direct The
Hobbit. Then came the news that he would take on both Frankenstein and Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, along with whispers that he wants to shoot H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness. Now, I have received the glorious news that he will be directing a stop-motion version of Pinocchio.

For those who are only familiar with the stickily saccharine Disney version of the story, you’re in for a surprise. Carlo Collodi’s pitch-black parable of a devious little marionette is a subversive satire of 19th century Italian society. Though it was written for a children’s magazine, the serialized story features an aggressive and malicious young boy (not unlike his picaresque counterpart Tom Sawyer), whose folly and frivolity get him him into increasingly dire situations. We see little P smash the talking cricket during one of his tantrums, convincing the cops to arrest the unsuspecting Gepetto, and, in the story’s intended conclusion, the mischievous protagonist actually ends up hung to death. How’s that for a bedtime story?

Martians Kidnap Santa, Fail To Steal Presents From Earthling Children

Seriously, why are you green?

While I’m on a Christmas countdown kick, I want to thank my friends over at Film and Cinema Puritans for mentioning Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on their list of favorite Christmas films. As the title may suggest, this is a classic holiday-themed sci-fi flick, most famous for its regular appearance on worst films ever made lists. Obviously, this is one of its most attractive traits, since “worst” is often just another word for “best” when it comes to B-movies—especially of the science fiction variety.

As the highly nuanced title suggests, this 1964 made-for-TV gem sees martians kidnapping jolly Saint Nick (and two unwitting Earth children) to enslave for the purpose of building of toys for their children. Through a series of unexpected events, a dim-witted robot ultimately ascends to the position of extra-terrestrial gift-giver and Santa returns to the North Pole with the presumably scarred little-uns. There’s also a commentary on the reclamation of individuality and cross-cultural (er, planetary) dialog in there somewhere, but really this movie isn’t so much about lessons as it is about laughing yourself into a stupor of stupidity.

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Sherlock Holmes: The Comedy

Pucker up, Watson!

Just when I thought my little heart couldn’t handle any more Sherlock Holmes excitement, I’ve been given some potentially devastating news: Judd Apatow is producing a “comedy” based on the classic detective, featuring almost-past-his-prime funnyman Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen (aka Borat aka Bruno aka Ali G).

Don’t get me wrong, I love both actors. And, despite having spawned a tiresome genre of movies about bumbling man-boy stoners, I can’t totally criticize Apatow either. The problem is that I just…well…I don’t like mixing geek stuff with dork stuff. We’re talking about apples and oranges here—Sherlock Holmes as a slapstick comedy?! I don’t think so.

From what I can tell, the project is still in the very preliminary stages and doesn’t even have a name. I’ll have to do some more sleuthing of my own and investigate further.

The Neverending DVD Story

I’ve never seen The Wire but I know the theme song by heart. Every morning for a period of several weeks I would find my roomate curled in the fetal position on our couch with the menu screen for the show blaring on repeat. As everyone who has fallen asleep while watching a DVD knows, the infinite repetition of the main page can go from a lullaby into a loathsome loop—especially for unwitting housemates, lovers, or pets.

As if the actual experience weren’t bad enough, someone has gone and made an internet version of this apparently universal experience by creating youfellasleepwhilewatchingadvd.com, a website that allows you to endlessly watch the menu screen for Punch Drunk Love, Arrested Development, or even Terminator 2.

Watching The New Watchmen Trailer

Spot on

Now that the excitement over the new Watchmen trailer has died down a little, I think we can all agree that it looks amazing. Check out the panel-perfect shots, gravely voice over for Rorschach, and even the Mars sequence with Dr. Manhattan and Laurie Jupiter. The casting is clearly spot-on (except for Matthew Goode as Ozymandius—I’m still not sold on the effeminate Brit for the role), and the stylization, while more techno-shiny than I’d expected, is a perfect parody of other big budget comic book movies. If you’re still salivating for more, remember to check out Dave Gibbons’ behind-the-scenes book.

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Sexiest Monster Undead

Mama wants a hug.

Werewolves have never had the onscreen sex appeal of their vampire brethren. Sure, Ginger Snaps did well with its scantily clad protagonists and Blood and Chocolate featured the perpetually broody-eyed Olivier Martinez, but both movies were cursed by their self-knowing sexuality.

The issue has been further compounded by the over-hyped Underworld movies, which cast werewolves as the bestial foil to those statuesque bloodsuckers. According to producer Len Wiseman (aka Mr. Kate Beckinsale), Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans is going to change all that with its hackneyed Romeo and Juliet subplot and historical epic-ness.

Or not.

Check out the trailer below:

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Joe Johntson To Direct Captain America, Save World

Captain America has been raised from the dead—on screen, at least. Marvel Studios has just announced that Joe Johntson will direct First Avenger: Captain America, which is set for a May 6, 2011 release date.

Johnston was an early pioneer of comic book-to-film adaptations, having directed The Rocketeer in the early ’90s, while also counting bizarro family film Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and the franchise-happy Jurassic Park III among his previous efforts. Oh, and he won an Oscar for Best Visual Affects for Raiders of the Lost Ark. If that’s not sufficient street cred then I don’t know what it.

Sexploitation: Sci-Fi Style

If you haven’t seen Zack and Miri Make a Porno you’re really not missing out. There are a few funny parts, but the plot is just more over-the-hill Kevin Smith dribble with a few gurgling laughs thanks to an unrecognizably sheered Jason Mewes. The movie’s one redeeming factor is that it features the making of a porn called Star Whores, which leads to a scene in which the characters rehearse a battle with glowing, neon dildos.

Because there’s nothing better than the right combination of sci-fi, porn, and parody, here’s a list of three sexy spoofs from the golden age of both science fiction and sexploitation cinema.

2069: A Sex Odyssey (1974):
Five scantily clad Venutians come to Earth to harvest male “seeds” for use on their apparently semen-starved home planet. Much bumping ensues.

2069: A Sex odyssey

Flesh Gordon (1974):
With the help up Professor Flexi-Jerkoff, nubile football player Flesh Gordon is the only man who can save sex-crazed Earth after evil Emperor Wang blasts the planet with his Sex Ray.

Flesh Gordon

Run, Virgin, Run (1973):
Ok, so maybe it’s a retroactive spoof of Run, Lola, Run‘s title, but the movie’s premise involves a mythical breeze with Viagra-like side affects and a solitary sex god in a small mountain village. What it lacks in thematic relevance, it makes up for in hilariousness.

Run, Virgin, Run

Fanboys On The Road

I did Amidala

After two years of delays—due to increased budgets, edited subplots, celebrity cameo requests, and reshooting—Fanboys is finally on schedule for a February 6, 2009 release date. The movie follows a group of Star Wars-obsessed friends who decide to infiltrate Skywalker Ranch and steal a copy of Episode I: The Phantom Menace in anticipation of the film’s release.

Watch the trailer below and cross your fingers it doesn’t get pushed back again.