Guillermo Del Toro To Direct Pinocchio, Revive Childhood Nightmares

I do what I want!

Apparently the Mexican director plans to direct all of my favorite books—literally, all of them. First there was the announcement that he was going to direct The
Hobbit. Then came the news that he would take on both Frankenstein and Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, along with whispers that he wants to shoot H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness. Now, I have received the glorious news that he will be directing a stop-motion version of Pinocchio.

For those who are only familiar with the stickily saccharine Disney version of the story, you’re in for a surprise. Carlo Collodi’s pitch-black parable of a devious little marionette is a subversive satire of 19th century Italian society. Though it was written for a children’s magazine, the serialized story features an aggressive and malicious young boy (not unlike his picaresque counterpart Tom Sawyer), whose folly and frivolity get him him into increasingly dire situations. We see little P smash the talking cricket during one of his tantrums, convincing the cops to arrest the unsuspecting Gepetto, and, in the story’s intended conclusion, the mischievous protagonist actually ends up hung to death. How’s that for a bedtime story?

Martians Kidnap Santa, Fail To Steal Presents From Earthling Children

Seriously, why are you green?

While I’m on a Christmas countdown kick, I want to thank my friends over at Film and Cinema Puritans for mentioning Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on their list of favorite Christmas films. As the title may suggest, this is a classic holiday-themed sci-fi flick, most famous for its regular appearance on worst films ever made lists. Obviously, this is one of its most attractive traits, since “worst” is often just another word for “best” when it comes to B-movies—especially of the science fiction variety.

As the highly nuanced title suggests, this 1964 made-for-TV gem sees martians kidnapping jolly Saint Nick (and two unwitting Earth children) to enslave for the purpose of building of toys for their children. Through a series of unexpected events, a dim-witted robot ultimately ascends to the position of extra-terrestrial gift-giver and Santa returns to the North Pole with the presumably scarred little-uns. There’s also a commentary on the reclamation of individuality and cross-cultural (er, planetary) dialog in there somewhere, but really this movie isn’t so much about lessons as it is about laughing yourself into a stupor of stupidity.

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The 12 Days of Zombie Christmas

BRAINS!

Whatever you celebrate this holiday season, be sure to check out Sean Bieri‘s themed comic strip for Tor. His zombie-based reinterpretations of classic Christmas stories begin with “Gift of the Zombi,” a simplified—and much improved—variation of William Sydney Porter’s overly altruistic tale, “The Gift of the Magi.”

Old School Vampire Kit Sells For $15k

Fangs sold separately

With the irritably angsty Twilight sweeping movie theaters and True Blood still skulking through TV-land, a whole new generation of sexually repressed audiences is discovering the inner blood-lust—or, at least, a fictional fetish.

Longterm fans of the genre, however, will be more interested to learn that an authentic 19th century vampire kit (complete with holy water, wooden stakes, and garlic) was recently sold for an astounding $14,850. The kit also included anti-werewolf silver bullets—you know, just in case.

The Last Man, Just A Guy

Post-Pac Man Apocalypse

Variations of the phrase “The Last Man” have been used by Nietzsche (to describe the weak-willed anti-superman), as the moniker for Vincent Price’s character in the 1964 film The Last Man on Earth (later reprised by Will Smith in I Am Legend), and now for the Sony Computer Entertainment’s PS3 game The Last Guy.

The title is satisfyingly cryptic, evoking the kind of ultimate of ultimates that make hero-driven narratives so compelling. Though the game was released a few months back, the structure has been unjustly under-appreciated. Focus, people! This game features a cape-clad hero (really, is there any better kind of hero?) running around real cities (thanks to Google Maps) while trying to save survivors from zombies (PURPLE zombies!).

The music features the kind of twinkling digitalizations that make me proud to be a child of the ’80s, while the graphics are more in tune with their Pac-Man-for-the-21st-century simplicity. The game is equally straightforward: gather up as many blob-like people as you can without running into zombies, alien creatures, or out of time on the clock. It sounds pretty basic, but the combination of real world satellite images and otherworldly aggressors gives it a World War Z meets Choose Your Own Adventure feel.

Sexiest Monster Undead

Mama wants a hug.

Werewolves have never had the onscreen sex appeal of their vampire brethren. Sure, Ginger Snaps did well with its scantily clad protagonists and Blood and Chocolate featured the perpetually broody-eyed Olivier Martinez, but both movies were cursed by their self-knowing sexuality.

The issue has been further compounded by the over-hyped Underworld movies, which cast werewolves as the bestial foil to those statuesque bloodsuckers. According to producer Len Wiseman (aka Mr. Kate Beckinsale), Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans is going to change all that with its hackneyed Romeo and Juliet subplot and historical epic-ness.

Or not.

Check out the trailer below:

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Frankenhorror; Or, The Modern Monster

God is dead.

Modern horror was invented in the summer of 1816. Trapped inside on a rainy day, Lord Byron invited his disgruntled companions to each write a ghost story—a challenge that famously spawned Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus and John William Polidori’s less well known The Vampyre, a predecessor to Dracula by more than 80 years. While it’s hard to imagine an uneducated teenage girl and a 21-year-old physician out-writing two of the great Romantic poets (Percy Shelley was also at the scene), the event has become so widely mythologized that it’s difficult to determine who actually wrote what.

The Vampyre was almost immediately met with attribution confusion. The story was published in New Monthly Magazine in 1819 without Polidori’s permission, and, much to his and Byron’s irritation, was falsely advertised as a new work by the famous poet. The credit was later amended, but the issue only hints at the authorial skepticism Frankenstein also met—a debate that continues to this day.

Chronicle Review‘s current article “The Birth of Frankenstein” analyzes the disputed parentage of Frankenstein—a scandalous affair practically fit for Jerry Springer. While the debate leans in favor of Mary, Chronicle‘s comprehensive account walks through the various points of view regarding the story’s evolution.

Two-Headed Sheep: Spawn Of Satan Or Genetic Freak?

No unipony here

There’s something mythological in the air. Make that cryptozoological. Just a few months after a single-horned deer was spotted in Italy, another quasi-mythological genetic mutation has been “discovered.” While the deer is a sorry excuse for a unicorn, the two-headed sheep recently born in a West Bank refugee camp might as well be Cerberus’ weakling kid brother, or a half-hearted variation of Dr. DoLittle‘s llama-like Pushmepullyou. The novelty is justified, even if the mystical implication is a little far-fetched.

I eat human babies

Mythological creatures are kind of like saucy rumors. As the original fact is recounted to more and more people, it loses its actual qualities in favor of embellishments and discretionary omissions. I hate to think what genetic malfunction inspired creatures such as the manticore, dragon, or kraken, but I’ll leave that for over-eager myth-hunters.

In the meantime, here’s a video of the two-headed sheep:

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